New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Can I color on your dick again?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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