id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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