Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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