I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
