All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
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One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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