she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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