every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
