all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
