We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
