My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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