Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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