good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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