you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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