Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
