I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
