so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
