she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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