a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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