Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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