FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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