I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
