Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
