I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
