i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
