I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
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I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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