I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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