i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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