Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
