I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
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You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
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I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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