dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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