did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Randomize
