If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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