I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
