So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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