Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
