barbara walters just said penis...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
