I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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