This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
