You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
