like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
