He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
