Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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