I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
did i just pee glitter
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