I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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