I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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