Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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