So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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