I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
