We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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