as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I intend to get homeless drunk
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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