I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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