Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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