I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
