i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
