your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
