Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Is it penis luge time yet?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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